Is This the Reason You Suck at Praying?
Let’s just name it: A lot of us feel like we suck at prayer.
You sit down to be with God…
and suddenly your brain feels like a feral cat in a thunderstorm.
You want peace — you get restlessness.
You want intimacy — you feel numb.
You want quiet — you get inner chaos.
And then the guilt creeps in:
“What’s wrong with me? Shouldn’t I be better at this by now?”
Or you just reflexively distract on move on to something that will preoccupy your mind without the inner strain.
But here’s the twist no one told you in youth group:
Your struggle with prayer might have less to do with your faith…
and more to do with how your nervous system learned to relate in childhood.
Let’s talk about it.
The Surprising Science Behind Prayer
Most people think prayer is a spiritual skill.
Something you learn through discipline, Bible reading, and sheer willpower.
But contemplative, relational prayer — the kind where you actually rest in God’s presence — isn't just a spiritual practice.
It's a neurological state.
Prayer, at its core, is attachment.
Connection. Rest. Safety. Trust. Presence.
And those exact capacities are built — or not built — in early childhood.
What Babies Teach Us About Prayer
Before a child can self-soothe, they learn to be soothed by someone else.
A parent’s face, voice, presence, and gentle touch literally sculpt the child’s emotional brain.
This is called co-regulation — and it's where:
Trust forms
Safety settles the body
Rest becomes possible
“I am held” becomes real
This isn’t psychology fluff — this is biblical and biological design:
“I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother.”
Psalm 131:2
So Here’s the Hypothesis
People who struggle with prayer aren’t unspiritual.
They’re untrained in resting in safe, attuned presence.
If you grew up with…
Emotionally distant parents
Caregivers who weren’t tuned into your needs
Homes where emotions were ignored or shamed
Environments where “being vulnerable” wasn’t safe
Or you learned to self-soothe alone because no one was there for you
… then sitting quietly with a loving Father now may feel foreign, uncomfortable, or even threatening.
Your nervous system wasn’t wired for rest in relationship —
it was wired for survival in isolation.
Funny enough, if you look at the brain regions activated in early childhood co-regulation and those activated in deep, meditative prayer - they are nearly identical.
The age-old neurological principle applies here: what fires together, wires together. If this didn’t happen for you when you were young, don’t shame yourself endlessly that you struggle to find it now as an adult.
So No — You Don’t “Suck at Prayer”
Think about it:
If you never learned to receive comfort growing up,
why would it feel natural to receive it now?
If as a child you had to be self-sufficient,
why wouldn’t silence and surrender feel unsafe?
If you learned that connection = danger or disappointment,
why wouldn’t intimacy with God feel confusing?
You're not spiritually defective.
You're just unpracticed in being held.
Christianity Has a Word for This
Scripture calls it:
Being adopted into a new family (Romans 8:15)
Learning to “abide” (John 15:4)
Resting in the Good Shepherd (Psalm 23)
Becoming “rooted and grounded in love” (Ephesians 3:17)
Sanctification isn’t just moral improvement —
it’s nervous system rehabilitation in the presence of Christ.
Good News for the Restless
Just like kids can develop earned secure attachment later in life,
you can develop earned secure attachment with God.
In plain language:
You can learn to rest in God.
You can train your nervous system to:
Feel safe in God’s presence
Receive instead of perform
Stay still without panicking
Let yourself be loved
Trust that you're held instead of abandoned
This is spiritual growth.
And it’s emotional maturity.
And it’s healing.
They’re all the same thing.
Where to Begin
Start small:
3 minutes of stillness a day
Breathe slowly: “Jesus, I am here. You are with me.”
Put your hands open on your lap
Expect it to feel awkward
Don’t judge — just observe
Let God be the calm nervous system you borrow
Because sometimes faith sounds like:
“Lord, teach my body how to rest in You.”
Not just, “Teach my mind to pray.”
The ultimate tool here is your breath - a tool that all of us attempting to rewire our brains for rest and calm MUST integrate into daily practice. We wrote about the power of breath and provided practical tools and exercises here. Read it and start working your breath.
Final Thought
If prayer is hard for you, it doesn’t mean your faith is weak.
It might mean your attachment system is wounded — and Jesus is gently rebuilding it.
So next time your brain feels like a chaotic toddler during prayer?
Smile and remember:
You’re not failing.
You’re healing.
And God isn’t annoyed —
He’s proud you're learning to let Him hold you.