How to Help Someone with Pornography Addiction
Understanding the brain, building trust, and walking the long road of recovery
You suspect someone you care about is struggling with porn.
Or maybe they’ve opened up to you — haltingly, tearfully, maybe even angrily — and now you’re wondering:
“What do I say? What do I do? How do I actually help?”
It’s a tough position to be in.
But the fact that you’re here says something: you care. And that matters — more than you might think.
In Dopamine Nation, Dr. Anna Lembke says that the key to recovery is not just willpower or medical treatment. It’s radical honesty, deep connection, and strategic discomfort.
This article will help you apply those principles to someone you love.
Whether you're a spouse, parent, pastor, friend, or mentor — here’s how to help someone with pornography addiction in a way that actually leads to freedom.
Story: When Shame Keeps the Struggle Hidden
Dr. Lembke tells the story of a young man addicted to porn who went years without telling anyone.
Not because he didn’t want to stop. But because he believed that if anyone knew, they’d reject him.
Shame kept him silent.
Silence kept him stuck.
And the addiction quietly worsened.
When he finally told the truth, everything changed.
Not immediately. Not magically.
But finally — the real work began.
Step 1: Create a Safe, Non-Judgmental Space
This is the most important foundation. If someone confesses a porn addiction to you, they’re not looking for a solution right away — they’re testing for safety.
What they’re asking is:
Will you still love me?
Are you disgusted by me?
Can I trust you with this shame?
How you respond in those first moments matters.
Here’s what not to do:
React with shock or disgust
Launch into a sermon or advice
Try to “fix” them in the moment
Instead, say something like:
“Thank you for telling me. That took courage. I want you to know I’m not going anywhere. You’re not alone.”
This opens the door for the real work ahead — because no one heals in isolation.
Step 2: Understand the Addiction Cycle (It’s Not About Lust)
Most people think porn addiction is about sex or lust.
It’s not. At least not entirely.
It’s about self-soothing. Control. Numbing. Coping.
In Dopamine Nation, Dr. Lembke explains how overexposure to pleasure (like porn) alters the brain’s reward system.
Eventually, the person doesn’t even watch for pleasure — they watch to feel normal.
What begins as desire ends in dependency.
They want to stop — but their nervous system panics without it.
That’s why you can’t just say: “Just stop.”
Instead, help them explore:
What are you escaping from when you turn to porn?
When do you feel the urge most strongly?
What do you need in those moments — really?
Porn is often the symptom. Not the root.
Step 3: Encourage a Period of Abstinence (and Replace the High)
Lembke advocates for a 30-day dopamine fast for all addictions — including porn.
The purpose isn’t punishment.
It’s to reset the brain’s baseline.
Without the artificial high, the brain becomes more sensitive to normal pleasures — like relationships, nature, prayer, music, work.
But here’s the key: You must replace the habit with something equally regulating.
Help them add:
Cold showers or exercise (physical stimulation)
Daily prayer or breathwork (spiritual regulation)
Deep conversations or coaching (emotional support)
Short-term goals or challenges (meaningful achievement)
This is where your role is crucial. Don’t just check in on their abstinence. Check in on their life.
“What did you do today that made you feel strong, alive, connected?”
Step 4: Help Them Build a Recovery Ecosystem
Recovery is hard. Trying to do it alone? Almost impossible.
That’s why every man needs a system of support:
A trusted friend (that’s you)
A small group or support group
A mentor or spiritual director
A counselor or coach
A proven framework for rebuilding
Without structure, they’ll default to old patterns.
You can gently help them build this ecosystem by saying:
“Hey, I’d love to support you, but you’re going to need a few more people around you. Let’s talk through some next steps.”
Then offer practical next steps:
A program like Freedom Groups
Therapy or spiritual direction
Tools like Covenant Eyes or Fortify
A 30-day fasting challenge or dopamine detox
You’re not their savior.
You’re a companion on the road to healing.
Step 5: Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
Don’t make the mistake of only checking in when things go wrong.
Ask about victories, not just slips.
“What’s something you did this week that you’re proud of?”
“Where did you notice God helping you in the moment of temptation?”
This shifts the focus from shame to strength.
Dr. Lembke reminds us: healing happens through small acts of courage, repeated daily.
That means even one day clean is a win worth honoring.
What Not to Do
Here’s a quick list of common mistakes to avoid when helping someone with porn addiction:
Don’t make it about your disappointment or expectations
Don’t over-spiritualize (“Just pray more” or “Read this verse”)
Don’t expect instant change
Don’t shame, lecture, or threaten
Don’t assume you’re the only person they need
Instead: Stay present. Stay curious. Stay connected.
Final Thought: Your Presence Is the Prescription
In Dopamine Nation, Lembke says the antidote to addiction is not just abstinence — it’s connection.
And as a person who cares, you’re already part of the healing.
Your calm presence is a form of regulation.
Your consistent love is a new narrative.
Your belief in their freedom is the hope they desperately need.
So keep showing up. Keep speaking life.
Keep reminding them:
You are not alone. You are not beyond healing. And your story isn’t over.
If you or someone you love needs a proven path to freedom…
We help Christian men eliminate cravings and walk in total freedom through daily habits, emotional rewiring, and Christ-centered coaching.
📩 Learn about Freedom Groups
🎯 Take the Craving Assessment
🙏 Join our next 72-hour fast challenge
The first step is always honesty.
The next step is brotherhood.
Let’s take it together.
— Joe Masek
Founder, Freedom Group
coach@thefreedomgroup.co